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Welcome home… to a world of beheadings and Bake Off

2 September 2014

Apologies for the lengthy interregnum. I was away in the USA for almost three weeks and my mobile phone provider decided I should not be allowed to make or receive any calls while abroad, for which many thanks. Similarly, Hotmail decided I should not be allowed access to my own email account because I could not prove to them that I was myself, having failed to answer the question ‘Who is your favourite fictional character?’

I can’t remember who I chose when first asked. I guessed at ‘Baroness Ashton’ this time around and this was, apparently, the wrong answer. So, anyway, devoid of all the modern appurtenances of life – as was my missus, who suffered the same fate – I instead had a hugely enjoyable and relaxing time.

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Occasionally gobbets of news drifted through from the UK papers, almost always about Muslims Behaving Badly – decapitating people, raping their way through South Yorkshire etc – and while walking up a mountain in Colorado I wondered to myself if we were at last beginning to – y’know – lose a little patience. But not so you’d notice, it would seem.

Anyway, I’m back now, just in time for The Great British Bake-Off (have you ever met anyone who watched this egregious, inane, self-important drivel?) and ready once again to bark like a demented Weimaraner at stuff.

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Show comments
  • Neil Saunders

    Mary Berry is currently the high priestess of what I call “there, there” television, which is designed by the power brokers of the mass media to reassure culturally conservative Middle Englanders that their country – all appearances to the contrary – has not actually undergone a full-scale cultural revolution and been thereby rendered unrecognisable. “There, there”, it says, “here’s ‘Antiques Roadshow’, ‘Bargain Hunt’, some repeats of “Keeping Up Appearances’ and that nice Inspector Barnaby, to soothe your anxieties. Did the nasty multiculturalists, gay-rights fanatics and feminists scare you? Ahh, diddums! Mummy still loves you!”

  • basingstoke

    Hotmail? is available.

  • Dr. Heath

    Years ago, when the craze for cheaply produced, Celebrity or Amateur Dosomething-athons started, I predicted that television schedules would soon be populated with engrossing spectacles with titles like Celebrity Soufflé Challenge. I of course never expected that the reality would be many times more half-witted, cynical, boring and lame. Celebrity High Diving. Celebrity Ice-skating. I think that something along the lines of Celebrity Kick-Boxing has already been, as they say, ‘trialled’ somewhere. Clearly, it is now impossible for amateur satirists to dream up anything as anile as the real creations of television producers.

  • DougS

    Rod, your holiday away from all the big international stories mirrors that of President Obama. He’s managed quite a few rounds of golf at Martha’s Vineyard with minimal intrusion by world events.

    The Americans are now referring to him as ‘The Golfer in Chief’

  • Terence Hale

    You mentioned Baroness Ashton, a formal remark . The title “baroness” is the female equivalent of “baron”, a hereditary title, whereas knighthood and damehood are awarded by the monarch. As the word Dame is similar to the German word “dämlich” which translates as stupid.

    • Baron

      The kissing Baroness, as she is wrongly known, may not like it, Terence, your pointing to the closeness of the two words.

  • MikeF

    Welcome back Rod – just to ensure you haven’t got a garbled impression of what has been revealed in your absence it transpires that leading members of the Labour Party in Rotherham were prepared to countenance the systematic rape, abuse and intimidation of some 1,400 children over a period of 13 years rather than be accused of ‘racism’.

    • Richard

      Rod knows and understands that Labour have to protect and encourage their voting demographic. Labour’s policies are to govern at any cost (and get all the sweeties) as we saw with, say, their immigration policies 1997 – 2010. A few hundred children being raped is a small price to pay for Labour UK.

  • sheridan porter

    30 miles from Rotherham, George Galloway is trying to make Bradford Judenfrei. His feelings on the presence of Pakistani Muslims in his constituency are as yet unknown Perhaps he hasn’t realised.

  • gerontius

    “I wondered to myself if we were at last beginning to – y’know – lose a little patience. But not so you’d notice, it would seem.”

    You’re probably right, but it does have the slight smell of a slow burner. I take it for granted that Rotherham is the tip of the iceberg and I’m waiting for the Tories to go for the jugular – They’ve got nearly a year to exploit it after all and the Labour Party looks defenceless.

  • Nigel Tipple

    ‘I’m a Celebrity, Cut My Head Off’ is a new Channel 4 series to be hosted by Krishnan Guru-Murty, Kathy Newman and Ant and Dec (the latter having already had their heads removed)
    Members of the public will be invited to be-head their favourite Celebrity, who will then talk about the experience and how awful life in the public eye really is. Finally, the Chief Constable of South Yorkshire Police and the CEO of Southampton NHS will pour a bucket of iced water over the Celebrity.
    Rod, this is a brief synopsis of life in the UK over the past three weeks. Oh, and a man who looks as if he’s had a fight with a lorry has resigned from the Conservative Party and appears to have teamed up with that other bloke from the Simpsons.

    • anotherjoeblogs

      What about Celebrity Hack-Off on Channel 5 ? 10 appeasing celebs are put in a house resembling a madrassa with shackles round their legs and have 24 hours to memorise as much as they can from the koran, the one who recites the fewest passages gets his or her hacked off until one is declared the winner. The winner gets a free koran and a weekend in Bradford.

  • Baron

    The best thing you can do, Rod, is to re-pack your bags, head back to Colorado, and another mountain. If anything, it’s going to get worse here.

  • starfish

    Well, while you were away the Blessed Mary Berry has become some sort of tabloid sage, her every utterance given complete deference and treated as if it was holy writ
    maybe we should get her views on the Great Muslim Rampage

  • MathMan

    Baroness Ashton is my second favourite person. Who is my first? Everyone else!

  • artemis in france

    One of my best friends watches it, actually, Rod, but I just can’t bring myself to do so. We’re already fighting the middle-age spread and need no more cake recipes.

    Welcome back and thanks for the Baroness Ashton line. I wonder when will we run out of patience? Actually in France that happened quite some time ago and Marine will no doubt reap the benefit in a few years’ time.

  • tempusfugitdunnit

    No apology needed, Rod. You weren’t missed at all.

    • gerontius

      I skimmed through your posts. Be careful, your already shaping up as a very boring party dude.
      Just friendly advice.

      • Kitty MLB

        Or you could have said: hey dude, your the type of guy
        who remains dancing at a party once the music has stopped. That sounds rather like ‘Hey Jude’ a song
        by will come to me eventually..and will
        bug me until it does. But I will not google it..which
        means I’ll be like a dog with a bone for ages.

        • gerontius

          Ah! The Beatles! Sound track to my youth. The girls were all beautiful (like me) and the sun always shone..

  • Sean L

    Yeah you’re missed as about the only one on the politics section that can give a man a laugh. And now, in the absence of Charles Moore, the solitary conservative voice.

  • David Booth.

    “Apologies for the lengthy interregnum”?
    A break between reigning monarchs?
    We are getting delusions of grandeur
    Mr Liddle?
    But welcome back.

    • William_Brown

      King Rod?…..why not.

  • global city

    I think we should have a series. Great British Half Baked Ideas’. Nearly everything that the New Left, Labour or the commies of academe have ever cheerleaded would ensure that the series would run and run for years. Kerching…and all that.

  • 70sgirly

    Yes we’re losing our patience, Cameron thinks it’s best if we try the bending over backwards approach for a bit longer.

    • Damaris Tighe

      Bending over forwards would seem a more appropriate stance for Cameron.

      • Flintshire Ian

        The real Eton mess

  • Kitty MLB

    Welcome back dear Roddie. Your wit and honesty was truly missed.
    So you were travelling around America were you. On a Harley Davidson I hope..
    I can just envisage you in that situation. A modern day James Dean.
    Muslims most certainly behaving atrociously, Labour and the left the usual turning a
    bind eye.. Maybe a documentary is on the way..
    And ‘ The Great British Bake Off never seen it .but we have a raspberry soufflé in Scotland. Alec Salmond.. far too sugary, full of hot air and half – baked.

    • gerontius

      “The Great British Bake Off never seen it”

      Glad to hear it – neither have i – what is it?
      I bake my own bread – to go with the road kill pheasant – well i would wouldn’t I?
      God I could do with a martini

      • Kitty MLB

        I believe its a tv cake making competition with Mary
        Berry and two female comedians all acting as judges.Its not really the rather cute Michel Roux Jr.

        Now some in life just like spoiling my fun..words
        are like xrays, especially when some have a distinctive style of writing.

        Bake my own bread also, in the aga, which looks somewhat large in a 200 year old cottage and the bread is lovely with homemade soup.

        Next time you are at the roadside, if you find a orphan baby hedgehog I think you should look after it
        and not think of eating the little mite as some have

        I’ll make you that gin martini..and will even remember the green olive to go with it. Have you ever
        tried sloe gin…I understand its quite different.

        • John Clegg

          Kitty-I used to make Sloe Gin, it’s really more-ish but that was before I became an alcoholic!

          • Kitty MLB

            Ah, thankyou for the warning John.I shall
            proceed with caution.

        • gerontius

          Unlike John I still make sloe gin.
          Hint: after drinking the gin refill with brandy and after drinking the brandy stuff the now very sozzled sloes into a pheasant and pot-roast it.
          I wouldn’t dream of eating your orphaned hedgehog. What kind of monster do you take me for? Rod might, he comes from a dodgy part of town – two slices of bread and a dollop of brown sauce I would imagine.

          • Kitty MLB

            Good god, you’d be pickled after that lunch especially if you finished with a sloe and port
            plum pudding. If you went out the following
            day and were bitten by a gnat..they’d be flying
            upside down deliriously happy for ages,
            I’ll pick some..after the first frost obviously.

            The hedgehogs will be relieved, very sensitive
            creatures..without a prickly nature and I hope
            Flittermice (the Scottish for Bats) are safe as well we have those much maligned and adorable creatures too (living with nature really)

            And stop being so snobbish about Roddie,
            nothing wrong with brown sauce ..or
            mayonaise on chips as I do ( how the Dutch
            eat them) I am sure this is about football
            and his team being very good…

            • gerontius

              Well,stuffing the bird was a Clarissa Dickson Wright recommendation so enough said.
              We used to have bats flitting round the garden but not seen them recently, maybe the vicar drove them away when he hoist his cassock above his knees and danced through the graveyard when the moon was full. .
              Rod is indeed a supporter of the notorious Millwall Football Club. They eat their hedgehogs raw – so I have been told. Ask him yourself – If you dare.

              • Kitty MLB

                At this very second a baby hedgehog
                has its nose on the screen where you
                typed the words, ‘they eat their hedgehogs raw’.
                So Rod is that boy from the “wrong side of town”
                and a tough Northerner, the type fathers warned
                their nice daughters against.Well if I wasn’t intrigued by Rod before I am now, but I shan’t
                ask him the question.
                About your vicar, its no coincidence that he’s in
                Cambridgeshire, I have heard in that place, they
                have the strangest folklore and people then in
                any other part of the country (very true, apparently) I dare not ask what the rest of you
                do during a full moon…I shan’t do that either.

  • MrLouKnee

    Welcome back Rod, i thought you had ran off with Yasmin Alibhai Brown, got secretly married and were going to live happily ever after

    • Kitty MLB

      Now what has Roddie ever done to you. He’d rather commit Hari Kari with
      a blunt sword.. and she’ll love it.. thinking he converted. Off to heaven with 12
      virgins, or whatever the amount is.

    • Suzy61

      ha ha…never thought about that one

  • Alexandrovich

    A warm welcome back. All things considered, it’s just as well you weren’t around – even your belief would have been beggared.

  • City Blue

    Muslims Behaving Badly. Great pitch for some dire sitcom on BBC 3.

    • Damaris Tighe

      Instead of those ghastly sugary muslim sitcoms of 10 years ago where everyone is sweetness & light.

      • mightymark

        They are so pathetic (and not all in the past) that I can’t believe anyone watches them – muslim or non muslim.

        What is more worrying is the number of TV documentaries that rightly talk up the mediaeval contribution of Islamic thought to intellectual development and then conveniently forget to ask the obvious question – “so what went wrong” – presumably because the answer is not so flattering of Islam.

        • Damaris Tighe

          Well, I think the mediaeval ‘contribution’ is overstated as part of the muslim a*se-licking project. Islam conserved classical knowledge & many of their scholars were not in fact muslim. The celebrated zero contribution (very appropriate I think!) came originally from India.

          But Islam wasn’t able to initiate new knowledge. While western science innovated & left the ancient Greeks behind, Islam stagnated.

          • MikeF

            Yes – another ‘left-liberal’ view of mediaeval Islamic societies is that they were ‘multi-cultural’ i.e. full of people of other faiths. To some extent that is true though,of course, the corollary is that whatever innovations those societies did make may have been made by their non-Muslim members. The ‘zero man’, if there was such an individual, may have been a Christian or even a Jew…

            • Damaris Tighe

              Emmet Scott in ‘The Impact of Islam’ claims that the majority of scholars during the Islamic ‘golden age’ were Jews or Christians with Arab names who wrote in Arabic. Others were islamised Persians.

            • global city

              They never celebrate the British Empire as a multicultural entity though!


  • ADW

    One thing you might take up about Rotherham Rod – I tried posting this to the Graun’s and they have barred me as a result. If anyone had listened to Ray Homeyford back in the day, Britain would not have had half the problems we have done. Less Rushdie outrage, no Oldham riots, 7/7, Rotherham etc. but no one did, save Trevor Phillips, who by 2000 was saying almost exactly what Honeyford had all those years earlier.

    • Damaris Tighe

      Radio 4 did a programme on Honeyford yesterday. Interesting timing.

      • ADW

        Is it worth sitting through it? I doubt I could stand it if it was a bbc hatefest

        • Damaris Tighe

          I got the impression it was an attempt to ‘understand’ the hatefest against him. But it wasn’t wholly one-sided.

    • David Booth.

      Yes I did listen to the programme in which a “community elder” complained that Mr Honeyford had insulted his religeon, his country Pakistan, and his President!
      Have I missed something in the news?

      • ADW

        Roy Jenkins, thou should be living at this hour …

        Jenkins, along with Lord Lester, was the one who decided that it was much the best if immigrant groups, rather than assimilating, lived side by side etc, in an “atmosphere of mutual tolerance”. Lester admitted on the BBC in 2008 that Jenkins was shocked towards the end of his life by the Rusdie affair etc to learn that actually some of those groups didn’t want a neutral, secular state, and had no intention of tolerating people who did.

        By the way, where did Jenkins live out his days once he retired from Westminster? Brixton? Islington? Leicester? Slough? Birmingham? Don’t be silly. A small Oxfordshire village, ethnic minority population zero. Of course he did.

        • Damaris Tighe

          I suspect Jenkins may have wanted immigrants to live in unassimilated ghettos because that would leave villages such as his own untouched. Let the native urban working class pay the price!

        • evad666

          Near where to Jack Straw lives perhaps?

    • MikeF

      Ray Honeyford – fine, decent, honest man. I associate myself with everything he said without reservation.

      • ADW

        Quiz of the day. Who said: “Multiculturalism suggests separateness. We are now in a different world. What we should be talking about now is how we reach an integrated society, one in which people are equal under the law, where there are some common values – democracy rather then violence, the common currency of the English language, honouring the culture of these islands.”

        A: Ray Honeyford? Nope, Trevor Phillips, to the Times, 3 April 2004. No-one listened to him either, but at least they didn’t lynch him, unlike Honeyford.

        I despair because if anyone goes back to Honeyford they will find the odd word here or there which isn’t acceptable anymore, but was standard parlance in his day, and not meant derogatorily. His opponents will gleefully squeal that that proves he was a frustrated Concentration Camp guard, when it says nothing of the sort.

        The highest tribute to Honeyford is the fact that his school was oversubscribed, and by a good many Muslim students too. It should be remembered that far from being a Bullingdon Club a**wipe, he left school at 14 (his dad was wounded in the Great War, and struggled to provide for his family as a result). He went to night school, and pulled himself up by his bootstraps – hence he knew that the way to help pupils of all cultures was education – proper education, that is, in the three r’s. Anyone who disagrees might compare the experience of the East African Asians, and those of, well, most other immigrants to these shores from non-Western countries over the past few decades. The difference above all else is the cultural approach to education.

        • global city

          Multiculturalism is not about helping anyone, save those hateful New Left adherents who push it. Helping young Muslims to integrate and get a good education was the last thing those who demonised Honeyford wanted.

          it is a hateful, divisive doctrine that must be cast aside, now that lots of people understand it’s evil.

    • Ricky Strong

      It’s about time some apologies were made for the way Enoch Powell was ridiculed too.

      • Jean de Valette

        Forcefully seconded.

    • evad666

      You are not alone in being banned from the Grauniad remember Comment is most definitely Not Free.

      • Picquet

        I’m sure CiF depends for its dissenting voices largely on the second, third, fourth ad infinitum ‘identities’ of its banned contributors. I think I’m at around No 12.

  • ADW

    Welcome back Rod – remember it was a tiny minority, always, etc

    • gerontius

      “tiny minority”

      Very active tiny minority

  • Suzy61

    Welcome back Rod…glad for you that you have been incommunicado for a while. We all deserve a holiday. Don’t worry about that nasty stuff in Rotherham…it’s all sorted (Barry Sheerman has fessed up that it was all to do with failures in the system – so no bother – lessons have been learned and it won’t repeat). The British jihadis in Iraq/Syria will have their passports confiscated ‘temporarily’ so no worries on that score for a couple of weeks and we are in for (another rumoured) Indian Summer. Happy Days!

    • Ridcully

      Oh, and according to Dan Hodges in the Telegraph, it’s all our fault that the muzzies haven’t integrated.

      • Kitty MLB

        Maybe Danny would like to intergrate with their communities..a kind of ‘life swap’ just for a week or two.I am sure it’ll be enlightening.

  • philiphuw

    Now that you’re back I was hoping you’d find time to eviscerate the shrieking narcissists who’ve taken part in something you’ve (thankfully) missed – the Ice Bucket Challenge. Those who forgot to stump up for a good cause were “raising awareness”. Just like the wonderfully successful #bringbackourgirls campaign. To be fair, those that did contribute raised £60m. Enough to keep the NHS going for 5 hours. And they had a lot of fun. And were universally nauseating.

    • Suzy61

      5 hours? That long?

      • realfish

        No. The £50m was spent by Southampton General Hospital on legal costs incurred in their attempt to extradite the King family from Spain……on charges of insulting the NHS

        • Nicholas K

          …..and thereby commiting the crime of blasphemy against the State religon.

    • frank marker

      Do you think Isis would be interested in taking part in the Ice Bucket Challenge?

  • edlancey

    It’ll be the Great British Heads-Off if a certain demographic ever gets the drop on the rest of us.

    • City Blue

      We’ll all be living on the Sunni side of the street.

      • tigerlily

        British humour – you gotta luv it.

        • Kitty MLB

          And someone aught to wander
          into a pub this Friday wearing a burka order some pork scratchings and a beer.Before burping loudly. Multicultural humour…
          will it catch on .

          • IainRMuir

            The BBC is preparing a sitcom as we speak, I’m told.

            • Anthorny

              We’ve already got one. The raping and beheading stories are going to feature in Series 3 of “Citizen Kahn”. I guess that might make it funnier. Or less unfunny to be exact,

            • MikeF

              Koran Nation Street?

              • Jonathan Apps

                Boom tish. I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.

              • IainRMuir


                • Harry Pond

                  I believe the ‘Worlds Craziest Fundamentalists’ with Mr T is starting on BBC3 soon- its a montage of Youtube clips showing Islamic homicidal maniacs slicing and dicing their way through various religious groups and any other innocent bystanders that happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

        • Colin

          Don’t talk Shiite…

          Oh, where will it all end?

          • liamjq

            It’ll be alawite in the!

            • liamjq

              Sufis to say we’ve not heard the end of it

      • David Prentice

        Don’t be so shia

  • The Masked Marvel

    How much more should we not intervene, Rod? It seems to be going swimmingly so far, so how much further can we take it?

  • Richard

    Welcome back big man. It is all just about to kick off and we need some heavy hitters. Have you read The Guardian on the ‘hysteria’ on the South York’s jihadist?

    What will it take to make these peoe face reality?

    • Count Boso


    • Christian

      Living in about 25 grand a year in a three bed semi should do the trick…..

    • mandelson

      Dhimmi status when we join the Caliphate?

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