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We should mourn the passing of Nuts magazine. Yes, seriously

1 April 2014

If I had a fourteen-year-old son, I’d be pretty disturbed by the news that Nuts magazine might fold. Fortunately, I don’t, and in all likelihood, I won’t have a fourteen-old-son until the late 2030s. Goodness knows what pornography will be like by then – my bets are on touchscreen technology leading the way.

But for now, I can only imagine what it might be like to have a fourteen-year-old son. And faced with the closure of Nuts (and with Zoo teetering near the edge), I’d be lamenting the decline of the lad mag.

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Teenage boys (and teenage girls – who are just as curious, mind) are experts at tracking down smut. When I was younger, these sorts of magazines were passed around school. Boys would keep them in their lockers, and occasionally they would be brought out to solicit a reaction from the girls. By the time I was doing my GCSEs, most people had a laptop, and smut was disseminated via groaning hard drives (brought back from the Far East during school holidays). It was transferred from computer to computer by memory stick. In my final year, the iPhone arrived – the death knell for the lads’ mag. Soft-core magazines must now seem like small fry to your average teenage boy. The combination of fast mobile data (which schools are unable to regulate) and high-tech, high-definition phones is a schoolboy’s dream.

The internet is a Pandora’s box of wicked delights dreamt up by a coterie of perverts, weirdos and sadists. Nuts and Zoo may not be Britain’s most salubrious publications – but ‘Your Favourite Hotties Baring Their Botties’ now look positively angelic compared to what lurks online. Equally, Page 3 may not be Fleet Street’s most wholesome institution. But young boys (and girls) – like well-trained truffle pigs – can sniff out exotic material. And if it’s no longer to be found in print, they will snuffle elsewhere. Smart phones and tablets are already their hunting ground; the closure of lads’ mags will only increase this. And no one will be able to tell what they are looking at. But you can bet it will be a lot fruitier than whatever Nuts chose to print.

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Show comments
  • Adam BoothSanta-cruz

    The other point is that as much as you might like to deny it , men are after all – men, at the end of the day and there are certain little things in life that men are bread to like. Some of these are naked women , football/ soccer and other sports, laddish humour and drinking too much. Most of us are well aware that many of these are pastimes that are frowned upon, and I don’t think so called Lads Mags were in denial of that. However, none of them are crimes, and all of them are quite enjoyable much like smoking driving and drinking. All of which are inadvisable and dangerous if not done in a measured way, but they can also be a lot of fun. They are also all things that could be banned but aren’t because they are considered personal freedoms. I wonder what in advisable but enjoyable pastime will be banned next???

  • Lr Active
  • mandelson

    Judging by the way things are going in New Britain a gay version of Nuts would succeed where the original failed.

  • Josephine Bonaparte

    whatever…….and whenever ..not !!

  • Josephine Bonaparte

    Hello ! there is my website .

    • Whatever

      Fuck off you slapper

  • jesseventura2

    Huge demand in the muslim world fore mags as anyone who has worked in muslim country will know.
    You wannna try getting off looking at a fat lump in a black bin bag or one of the gals in the mag?
    Answers Hamed, Achmed ,Saleh, Hassan?

  • Smithersjones2013

    Fortunately, I don’t, and in all likelihood, I won’t have a fourteen-old-son until the late 2030s.

    Well if you are going to view the poor lad as a ‘truffle pig’ when he reaches puberty then I suggest you save him the suffering and stick solely with girls. After all we wouldn’t want you falling foul of the Coalition’s emotional cruelty laws.

  • taytelbaum

    Why not go back to Tatler’s maginzine and drool over Anna Ford

  • Liz

    The point is context Lara. P*rn in the p*rn lane is one thing. Yes a large proportion of it is misognistic hate speech and incitement to crime, and a fair proportion actual sexual abuse in progress, but at least you know where you are with it. Lads mags were serving up women as products in your face alongside your cornflakes , which had an altogether more insidious affect on everyday sexism.

    • Hexhamgeezer

      And what about Leninism and Maoism in every other lane? Insidious indeed.

      BTW fancy a s#@g?

    • La Fold

      The most offensive thing is Nuts was the content of the articles.
      Patronising, mind numbing , brain rotting fluff pieces usually advertising something.

  • Fergus Pickering

    If you want dirty pictures then the ones on the internet are better. AND free. Why would you waste your money on NUTS?

    • Kitty MLB

      Yuk ! Some young chaps need to grow up and learn to respect.
      And much older ones whose’ little soldier’ has thrown away the hand grenade should know better. I am sure you would agree with me, O usually wise one-
      its all somewhat :-0

      • La Fold

        Young chaps ripping the head off it is part of growing up.
        Young chaps have been ripping the head off it since time immemorial and no doubt will find new and more exoctic ways of ripping the head off it for generations to come.

        • Hexhamgeezer

          Never come (ahem) across the phrase ‘ripping the head’. Whence originates said vernacular?

          • La Fold

            ha ha Ive never given it much thought but I suppose it originates from the North east of Scotland.

          • Whatever

            Aren’t you witty?

    • jesseventura2

      Dirty pictures of female bodies?
      Better come out of the closet?

      • Fergus Pickering

        So nuts is full of artistic studies, is it? I thought it was full of people shagging. But doubtless artistically.

  • James

    They might end up on the spectator- *Gasp

    • Kitty MLB

      I don’t think the little boys should be encouraged.
      We had a somewhat glamorous Russian ( I will put it that way) lady
      providing articles at Con Home. The chaps just became so silly that
      she had to go, which was a shame as she was very nice and her articles
      were very good.

      • Hello

        Yep, the “glamorous” girls at school always did the best homework too.

  • Hello

    “Fortunately, I don’t, and in all likelihood, I won’t have a fourteen-old-son until the 2030s”

    Is there a certain someone in your life who should be experiencing a slight panic at these words?

    • Hello

      Sorry, I meant to say “joy”, not “panic”.

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