The flammability of dwarves

10 September 2013

An Aussie rules footballer was apparently in trouble for having set fire to a dwarf who had been booked to entertain the team at an end of season party. Clinton Jones saw the diminutive Blake Johnston capering around and, being a half-wit, couldn’t resist applying a gas lighter to his backside. Whooooof, went the dwarf. Quite rightly Jones has been carpeted by bosses and forced to pay compensation. Too few people understand that dwarves are highly flammable – and some will actually explode if exposed to a naked flame. If you are being entertained by a dwarf it is a good idea to spray them with a fine mist of water, in order to keep them damp and therefore safe. Never, ever, allow a dwarf onto a garage forecourt – keep him locked in the car while you fill up the tank. Other than that, they are just like the rest of us – except smaller, and for that reason some people like to laugh at them, or set them on fire.

I suppose the message is that if you attempt to gain laughs by directing public mirth towards your disability, or whatever dwarfism is termed (the consequence of a disorder, I suppose), then half-wits will be encouraged to humiliate you still further.

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Show comments
  • Eddie

    Dwarfs, please.
    Why have people started using the awful ‘dwarves’ as the plural?
    It’s not even an American infection (like the horrid ‘smart’ to mean ‘bright’, or ‘robe’ which is now, absurdly, what most now call a ‘dressing gown’.)
    It was Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
    Not DWARVES! Purlease!
    By the way, I am not a dwarf and am not offended either by anyone making a living in any way they can – dwarfs in pantomimes and circuses, one-armed gurners on CBBC, tall people playing basketball, slick-tongued psychopaths running our national institutions etc. You gotta use what you’s got to put food on the table, innit? Who chooses their genes and the body and brain they construct anyway?

  • george

    ‘Clinton Jones, doing what he does best’.

    What– licking his left canine?

  • James R

    Forced to pay compensation ? Small beer presumably.

  • Regislea

    As Roger Lewis says, “You can’t go wrong with dwarves.”

  • Hexhamgeezer

    Maybe he was inspired by the all-too-lifelike Lord of the Hobbits where some dwarves get set afire by a dragon. This happened in New Zealand which is next to Australia.

    I blame Peter Jackson.

  • David Lindsay

    Are you sure that he was a dwarf, and not a midget? It is a common mistake. Dwarves live in the circus and do cartwheels. Whereas midgets are just like normal people, only smaller.

    • george

      Midgets and dwarves ARE normal people, but they have to live with greater tragedy.

  • Graham

    That’s nothing. Ashley Cole shot a lad on work experience.

  • Sue Ward

    Some years ago (late 80s) I walked into a pub in London and was confronted by a “Granny Gram” stripper who was basically a large elderly lady entertaining a stag party. The lads watching it laughed and cat-called and later I came across her in tears in the ladies loo. I was very young and too embarrassed to speak to her but I was struck by how humiliating she had found the ordeal and yet she chose to do a job that could only ever be humiliating. I guess it all comes down to earning a crust. It still saddens me to think of her now and the memory makes me count my blessings.

    • Hexhamgeezer

      Did they set her alight?

  • Cornelius Bonkers

    I don’t get it; what other uses might such small people have? I’m a tall person (6ft 1in) and have tried for years to make a living from it but, alas, without any luck. Despite my best efforts people resolutely refuse to find it in the slightest bit funny; what ami doing wrong?

    • george

      Nah, these days you’re just average. I could be 6’1″ in me high wedgies on a tall step with you standing in a ditch.

      • Cornelius Bonkers

        Pardon my impertinence G, but are you a dwarf? If so, can you suggest why being 6ft 1in can never be funny?

        • george

          It’s not tall enough.

          • Cornelius Bonkers

            OK I get it; You mean I need to be Stephen Merchant size…Mmmm…yes, I think you’re bang on there; except that that he thinks what he SAYS is funny rather than what he LOOKS LIKE. Also, wearing spectacles is funny on him.

            • george

              I have no idea who Stephen Merchant is but I’ll take your word for it.

              • Cornelius Bonkers

                Yo G, yes, that’s him. An Ar.h..le of the first order. Good, we’re in agreement -I think

                • george

                  Yes, Bonkers, on this we are dancing to the same songbook.

  • gerontius

    Did this really happen?- I don’t believe it, even in Australia.

    • george

      Never underestimate the low-lifery of professional sportsmen. They really are the troglodytes of the species H. sapiens.

    • Cornelius Bonkers

      Well, they throw dwarfs in Norfolk so why not set them on fire? And anyway, dwarfs don’t seem to mind and how else would they make a good living? Have you seen that very funny Ginsters pasty advert? They’re not all Tom Shakespeares you know!!!

  • Barakzai

    That must’ve been the long lost eighth dwarf, Fiery?

  • sarah_13

    Gosh! You’re right but some people are going to get very upset about that post.

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